a bow tied gun

sept 6 2010

weird nightmare:

sitting in the way i sit (on my knees) on the floor in a room i dont recognize. other people are in the room but their faces are blurry. i just focus on my family. dids is across from me. but sitting in a chair, rae is behind me. i see mom is there but i cant see her face but its her. tvs are everywhere. it looks like a cult, some weird white haired man is talking. scientology i wonder? i hear catholic stuff but dont recognize. not really watching wondering if they are bugged with nanny cams. a magazine arrives, like a marie claire type. i open up to the middle and its this giant heart over a thousand pictures. i look close and they are all me, black and white and blurry. it says in red letters ‘how i proposed to online’ and the byline says to: u, from: (cant make this out, i think it is nonsense, like letters). start to tear up and try to read article. words are all nonsense. there are larger photos of me but its been photoshopped. i look fake and am wearing dresses i dont remember wearing but my features are similar and im like this is not me why is this saying its me. i see friends in the background of the photoshopped pictures snapping photos in secret (on their phones) but i still think the pictures are altered because i dont remember outfits and i always do. dids has tears in his eyes but is smiling and hands me a tiny little brochure full of brain teasers. i put down magazine. maybe i should read this? dont want my family to see me reading or crying so i start flipping and then the tv says ‘you are flipping. too much. stop flipping’. panic and throw the book down, dids squeezes my knee a little, im like calm but my legs are shaking. then rae starts shrieking. out of nowhere. im scared. she doesnt scream like this and shes like dont you want your book, what do you want, what is wrong with you. im so confused so i try to steady my legs and i dont know where this is coming from. everyone else seems so calm. i dont know what to tell her. she is hysterical. i try to squeeze her but end up squeezing her stomach too hard, like how she used to squeeze our pet bunny, but it was a total accident, and she explodes into more shrieks and then i feel awful like i just hurt her and i dont know who is watching through the cameras in the television and i think of spies. dids is still calm, but cant look away from rae. she is hysterical. im like i hurt her, i am awful. shake myself awake at 6:05 a.m., get up, realize its 7:05 a.m. est, realize thats a respectful hour to get up, make coffee. do not want to go to bed and have another nightmare about cancer. i hate nightmares. SCARY.

strange, after waking up and realizing this nightmare was just a nightmare,  it triggered my memory of december 2005 (happy thoughts!) when i came home for christmas and we just got maggie and i was single and just got to hang out with my family and had just moved to chicago. mags was a puppy and we played with her. such a happy christmas and i had reoccuring dreams every night i was home about headphones, figuring out what song was playing on the headphones. wanted to tell rachel about my dreams then but thought she would be like umm what. instead told her in january after emailing and telling other people (people at work, erin, clay, renee). she was still a little confused but was like oh, okay stalker. ha.

WEIRDDDDDDDDDDD. i should have taken more detailed dream notes this whole summer.

things i want

argyle miniskirt like the one i had in seventh grade

mary jane shoes

berets

more thigh highs and knee socks maybe bring back ones with lace at the top?

bondage dresses with sheer cardigans, lace cardigans, cashmere cardigans, and oversized knits fastened with a massive pin with charms that mean things

watch: labyrinth, clueless, the little mermaid, the ring, mother may i sleep with danger, 90210, first season of gossip girl, neverending story, fern gully

read: re-read lolita, alice in wonderland, beautiful and damned (party theme?)

research sea horses and also drink cappucinos while listening to kids in america (is there a cover?)

today:

tie dye underwear pillow cases

go running/eliptical/work out in depth

watch new moon

take a bath and read men’s magazines and a novel

deep condition hair

 carb free

shopping? get a cappucino?

bev: hot coffee with skim & splens (its faaaall)

ensem:  sept travs! zara black leather pleated miniskirt, nordstroms thigh highs, thrifted little boys striped oxford, seychelles lace up boots

<3: sleeping beauty (she was so fashion forward, the black corset over the collared shirt, i meean), labor day travel, my new yog bowl (fage, bluebs, crushed up fiber one bar, puffins cers), fall weather, last unicorn bull-inspired red wine, super nintendo dates with my sister

bev - iced coffee

ensem - mens hanes white tee shirt, runningskirts red & white running skirt, new balances, pigtails.

<3: early a.m. runs in a circle, updating with so much new music inspired by my coffee shop, secret rooftops with amazing views, whole foods new AA sushi line, watching teen rom coms and horror movies if it ever rains, NEST pumpkin chai candles that make an entire room smell like biscotti twenty hours after being burned

bev: iced coffee

ensem: audrey hepburn at a rooftop bbq. white urban outfitters dress with subtle silver stud detailing, red keds, hair in a bun, silly banz, red & purple ray bans

<3: washing underwear in a bathroom sink with nordstroms lavender delicates wash, mermaids, seashells, buttercream/blush/petal for spring 2011, time capsules, a show idea that lets people pimp their friends (for love, jobs, etc), going to the beach daily, health segments on the today show (i need sashimi today so i dont lose my brain)

bev: iced soy latte

ensem: honeydew intimates blue chemise, hanky panky thong, silly bandz

<3: lingerie shopping, black leather miniskirts, over the knee socks with garter belts, posh spice as a spy in a french boarding school is my new inspiration for fall - over the knee socks, lots and lots of lingerie ( i like want to work in the nordstrom lingerie department), bondage cut out dresses, black leotards, things that are secret but partly exposed (bra detailing in the back, cut outs, garter belts, lockets)

bev: walgreens vitamin water zero

ensem: undrest robin’s egg blue bandeau, target pink romper, hair up

<3: my friends, champs, beeeeeeeeeach